Lessons That I’m Learning – Webb Axioms

With beginner's mind, I feel good when
I show up,
don't feel limited,
take risks,
work hard and persist.

< global >

• · aging is caused by forgetting what we once knew
• · all of life is forward and back
• · being of value has little to do with what you have and everything to do with what you offer
• · beliefs are often self-serving
• · consider the effect if everyone did that
• · don’t ask why, ask how
• · from rich to poor, most people's lives are filled with obligations
• · existence is uneven by definition (like the distribution of anything)
• · it’s always the wrong people who are hardest on themselves
• · liars delude themselves the most
• · life is not sacred, but how we treat it is (life is as sacred as we make it)
• · living things are predatory by nature
• · loneliness is the human condition
• · luck is what you make of chance
• · most of history has involved being at war, today is no different, the enemy is simply living next door
• · most of your life is already how it will always be
• · most "self-evident" rules are also self-serving
• · nothing has meaning so there is nothing to figure out, just live well
• · nothing has taught me so much about human greed as the display of resource guarding in dogs
• · people do what they desire - not what they say they desire
• · people get addicted to money as an emotional reward vs having any stored value to exchange
• · people of similar mental disorders tend to congregate together, but just because you are among them, doesn't mean that you are the crazy one
• · people who are stupid are unable to assess their incompetence
• · pleasure doesn't equal happiness
• · recognize that technology is reducing the social compact
• · sometimes there is no *better* answer then the one you don’t want to accept
• · stability breeds stability, instability breeds instability
• · successful - even happy - doesn't equal self-aware
• · surviving includes watching the corpses pile up
• · the source who hurts you will not be the source who heals you - no matter how hard you try to make it so
• · there are levels and layers to God
• · we are all children
• · you can never own something; you can only prevent sharing it
• · you cannot fight ignorance that people want to hold onto
• · you will never meet your enemy, so you must fight back differently

< perception >

• · accept and understand that I am not damaged, I am not broken
• · acceptance involves knowing where to direct my limited energy
• · an easier life is a mixed blessing when such ease begins to devalue everything (hedonic adaptation)
• · anxiety made me smart, anger gave me strength and drive; weaknesses can create strengths
• · appreciate the world as it is versus as I want it to be
• · ask yourself, what is enough?
• · be aware of thinking that imagines something is permanent, pervasive, or personal
• · be careful of the meaning that you ascribe to body types - we all look different inside
• · be wary of contingent self-worth
• · be wary that sickness has its own rewards (understand the nature of secondary benefits)
• · blame is a child's way of explaining a complex system
• · complex people make life complicated
• · consider gender fluidity in light of becoming like the other sex as we age
• · consider what you do and don’t have power over
• · consistency is consistent even when we don’t want it to be
• · divide a sentence with the word but into two sentences that avoid false causality
• · don't get angry at a system with no brain
• · don't over-identify with your pain or you will become inseparable from it
• · don't react to a single data point because complex outcomes are difficult to predict by nature
• · every profession has its own pathology
• · everybody worships something
• · everyone’s perception and understanding of ourselves is partial and inaccurate, as are all our perceptions and understanding of others
• · get useful comment on how you are doing
• · human perception is flawed and fleeting
• · identity is the loss of self
• · if I am in psychic pain then my thinking has become distorted
• · in a world where attention is divided up among so many people (connected via technology),
• people are starving for any depth of attention and thus start broadcasting themselves for self-validation (inversely to how they feel inside)
• · it's not vain to like yourself or love yourself
• · judgement is an expression of fear
• · life reflects you, as do people
• · like the blind men and the elephant, there are always more than one perception of truth (however partial)
• · know that everything is ok without having to check that everything is ok
• · mentally counter our negativity bias
• · narcissism is adaptive, it neutralizes criticism
• · never believe your own brain without further validation, it will be convincing using false associations
• · part of growing older will increasingly be our being done with different things that hold no interest or value to us to make room for what does
• · perceived harm is the basis on one's morality
• · people are fundamentally boring, even the rich, they are nothing to be jealous of
• · people get addicted to money as an emotional reward vs having any stored value
• · people often operate from a damaged perspective, but they still respond to the same human needs in all of us
• · people reject facts because they fear losing something (like social inclusion)
• · people simply reject facts that don’t fit into their mental model
• · people who fear there isn't enough to share will take things from others to ensure their dominance
• · pessimism is a useful strategy in an unpredictable environment
• · reaching my limit is a good thing
• · self-interest is not limited to any political party
• · stop seeing meaningful patterns (that really aren't there)
• · stop thinking about what you are leaving behind and start thinking about what you are moving toward
• · to be more compassionate, 'switch the victim' and consider how someone else is affected by something that bothers you
• · the brain is a prediction engine
• · the fear is not the truth
• · try not having to understand
• · try not reacting to what hasn't happened yet, it won’t be as bad as you can imagine it will be
• · try not reacting to yourself and making it worse
• · understand human behavior in economic terms like utility and externality
• · we believe what serves us
• · we only see what we expect to see
• · what has happened to you does not equal who you are or what you deserve
• · work to understand someone’s umwelt
• · You won't find enlightenment staring at your navel.

< activation >

• · accept loneliness to begin with
• · action counters anxiety
• · anger without action is a victim's response
• · be accountable always
• · be kind
• · be responsible first
• · choose reality over living in fantasy, it’s more boring, but it lasts
• · depressed and paralyzed? get angry and motivated!
• · don't empty the trash until it is full
• · don’t perpetuate a problem in your desperation to change it
• · I am part of the problem, and I can be part of the solution
• · I think God's-will is less His deciding that you are going to become a fireman, then looking for the opportunities in the fires that come your way (God is internal, not external)
• · I've always pursued freedom before power, not understanding that power is freedom
• · if I can't change something, can I adapt to it?
• · improvement causes disruption
• · living is uncomfortable, tensing up makes it worse
• · make choices informed by the concept of opportunity cost
• · mood follows actions
• · questioning what you know or don’t? then do nothing to complicate matters further
• · react, but also respond
• · reduce your harm to yourself, don’t cultivate pain
• · show up
• · sometimes there are no more intermediate steps, you just must do it
• · technology has forced us all to deal with the challenges of becoming an elder since the immediacy of change has replaced the passing of time
• to propel our potential obsolescence and need for reinvention
• · to balance living in acceptance and God's will with my own intentionality, surf and aim
• · try narrowing your possibilities to succeed in more of them
• · you can’t change all, but you can affect some
• · you can't win a war if everyone wants to wage a different battle
• · you control nothing and influence everything

< connection >

• · agree with ideas in degrees of strong or weak correlations
• · all love is triangulated
• · always respond with compassion
• · avoid people for whom nothing is significant or sacred, except what pleases them
• · be available and find someone to love who is available; an unavailable man isn't worth more (don’t confuse intermittent breadcrumbs to be a feast)
• · be compassionate first and critical second
• · be involved with the person, but not attached to the outcome
• · be less sensitive to other …
• · being private is not the same as having secrets
• · choose to assume that people who have hurt me, knowingly or not,
• have apologized or made amends in their own way, whether I have been able to hear it or not
• · closure comes from taking action not ruminating
• · control is the inverse to connection
• · create proximity
• · deception, not secrets, is the enemy of trust
• · desire remains and evolves regardless of whether it was fulfilled
• · don't break-the-painting to simply state my needs (avoid impotent anger)
• · don’t try to appeal to something that isn’t within someone
• · don't have conversations with people who aren’t in the room
• · don't feed a parasite, starve it
• · don't wield pain as a weapon or respond to people who do
• · enduring friendships are like comets, disappearing, reappearing, in newly sized orbits not always in sight
• · even if you know the ending, you don’t know how the journey goes
• · everyone deserves to be touched - however that means to you
• · have compassion for the wounded and boundaries for the toxi
• · I don't have to be single; I just need to act like an adult
• · I don't want to adapt myself to your fears
• · I don't want to be superhuman (e.g., steroids or super-heroes), I want to be human
• · John is not the problem; John is also not the solution.
• · love and pride are incompatible
• · minimize becoming collateral damage
• · narcissism makes you stupid
• · only actions count
• · people embrace what they are hungry for
• · people find their own level among others
• · relationships can be easy
• · relationships mirror the life cycle of pimples
• · relationships require the ability to communicate, a common sense of time, and compatible demons
• · sharing does not lead to deprivation
• · some relationships nourish you like a wonderful meal (once consumed, they are done),
• other relationships grow from within and are never exhausted (even if the distance changes, they remain in orbit)
• · sometimes people will only see you in the ways that they expect you to hurt them and nothing you can do will change this
• · sometimes the only way you can love someone is by not hurting them more
• · sometimes you must experience pain once so that you never have to experience it twice
• · support authentic relationships
• · the person who wounds you won't be the person who heals you (no matter how many versions of them you try to make do that)
• · there are many who are “the one”
• · true relationships begin once you've each fully disappointed each other and are left with no illusions
• · understand what you believe in to find people who believe in you
• · you can’t change how a relationship will begin, endure, or wither all by yourself
• · you don't find someone compatible; you find someone to learn with on how to be compatible
• · your humanity is equivalent to your empathy (which does not mean your “selective” empathy)
• · weave a life to find a relationship
• · when we choose relationships, we bring our core challenges close to us

< lessons from others >

• · anxiety is searching for tipping point information, but useless when there is no new information to consider; an anxiety routine becomes a habit versus a solution
• · broken relationships don't become resolved, they become irrelevant
• · Everything we hear is an opinion, not a fact. Everything we see is a perspective, not the truth. (Marcus Aurelius)
• · happiness is the management of expectations
• · honesty without compassion is brutality
• · if you wait long enough, the improbable becomes inevitable
• · my mother lit a small match (of self-hate) for me, and I built a bonfire with it
• · relationships involve "a price of admission"

< quotes from others >

• · A bird is not an ornithologist
• · Academic politics is the most vicious and bitter form of politics, because the stakes are so low
• · If you are easily offended, then you are easily manipulated
• · It is not my job to make the decision; it is my job to make sure that the best decision gets made.
• · God loves you just the way you are but too much to let you stay that way
• · Many people live by the Golden Rule (treat others as you wish to be treated), but I’ve come to follow the Platinum Rule, which is to treat others as they wish to be treated. Treating others as they wish to be treated requires a willingness to learn about others’ lives.
• · The rich manipulate the poor by convincing them that "freedom" is more important than "equality".
• · The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in mind at the same and still retain the ability to function. (F. Scott Fitzgerald)
• · We are not humans’ beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience - Pierre Teilhard de Chardin
• · We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend to be
• · When the life force is suppressed, there is no limit to the amount of (perversions) distortions that will arise from that suppression. - Wilhelm Reich
• · You can't beat them unless you can think like them